Please don't use pronouns unless it's obvious as to what noun you're replacing.
Do you want popular opinions on YOUR book, or their books?
I'd also recommend some free tutorials on English to fix up your grammar/spelling. I recommend
http://www.englishforeveryone.org/ if you don't want to pay attention in class.
As to your writing style, move away from "kids and teen" books and look towards "young adult" or "adult" style books. Your writing style is similar to that of authors that target not young adults, but young teens (I'm talking 10-14 at MOST).
Additionally, lines of text need to be clearly defined. If there's two people, then it should be something like this:
Person 1 looked towards person 2 with shock on their face, "How the HELl could you do that?!"
"Simple. I had no reason not to." Person 2 calmly replied.
"text1"
"text2"
"text3"
"text4"
etc. etc. So long as it's clearly defined in the beginning of the text who is talking it's okay to omit "he said she said" in every line.
If you have 3 or more people in one conversation though, each line of text needs to be clearly defined as to who is speaking.
When doing descriptive language, don't be TOO adjective-heavy but don't omit them entirely.
All-in-all, before you write a single line more, I think we'd all appreciate if you took some tutorials, read some books for examples, and anything else we've suggested.
