I can't vouch for the authenticity (because my source couldn't), but at least they're damn funny!
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Also:
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina