It all started when our overrated adventurer, Axen Moon, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally puzzled, Axen Moon grabbed a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, he realized that his beloved datapad was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Emma. Axen Moon had known Emma for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Emma was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... oafish. Axen Moon called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Emma picked up to a very calm Axen Moon. Emma calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras yawn before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually explosively panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Axen Moon. Why was Emma trying to distract Axen Moon? Because she had snuck out from Axen Moon's with the datapad only three days prior. It was a sassy little datapad... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Axen Moon got back to the subject at hand: his datapad. Emma yawned. Relunctantly, Emma invited him over, assuring him they'd find the datapad. Axen Moon grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Emma realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the datapad and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Axen Moon took the wannabe go-fast Civic, she had take at least eleven minutes before Axen Moon would get there. But if he took the Conestoga 5? Then Emma would be alarmingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Emma was interrupted by nine funny-smelling Savant Krafts that were lured by her datapad. Emma belched; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she thoughtfully reached for her ripened avocado and aptly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Conestoga 5 rolling up. It was Axen Moon.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Axen Moon was out of the Conestoga 5 and went earnestly jaunting toward Emma's front door. Meanwhile inside, Emma was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the datapad into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her elephant. Emma was relieved but at least the datapad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Emma exotically purred. With a apt push, Axen Moon opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering spite-toting jerk in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Emma assured him. Axen Moon took a seat right next to where Emma had hidden the datapad. Emma panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Axen Moon was distracted. As if it really mattered Emma noticed a oafish look on Axen Moon's face. Axen Moon slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Emma felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Axen Moon asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the datapad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Axen Moon's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Axen Moon nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Emma could react, Axen Moon carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The datapad was plainly in view.
Axen Moon stared at Emma for what what must've been eleven microseconds. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Emma groped exotically in Axen Moon's direction, clearly desperate. Axen Moon grabbed the datapad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Emma let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Axen Moon,' she rebuked. Emma always had been a little annoying, so Axen Moon knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Emma did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his datapad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Emma looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Axen Moon. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Axen Moon. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Emma walked over to the window and looked down. Axen Moon was gone.
Just yonder, Axen Moon was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Emma's place. Axen Moon had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Savant Krafts suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the datapad. One by one they latched on to Axen Moon. Already weakened from his injury, Axen Moon yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Savant Krafts running off with his datapad.
About two hours later, Axen Moon awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and Axen Moon did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited swamp, Axen Moon was really lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his datapad was taken by the Savant Krafts. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Savant Kraft emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha Savant Kraft. Axen Moon opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Savant Kraft sunk its teeth into Axen Moon's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Axen Moon's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than nine miles away, Emma was entombed by anguish over the loss of the datapad. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a calculated thrust, she buried it deeply into her ear. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Axen Moon... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the datapad that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Savant Krafts, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
