General Killer Slain, Martyn Proclaimed Hero
by Outpost Tabloid Report Philip Ulrich
We now know who has won the Battle at Armageddon. The UN has won. In the battle General Killer of the Microbe was killed, and Martyn killed him. The next battle is about to be fought at Cairo.
Last night, the static left the communication streams from the great battle. Immediately reports of cheesy Blight (a result of the Blight merging with Zircon's cheese) came in. Then reports of no Blight came in.
Then a person who forget their medication claimed to have seen some Blight eating up with rose garden. We later found out that it was a runaway lawn mower, set astray because someone CL-20ed the owner of the mower. Qwerty103 is a suspect, but no charges will be pressed due to lack of evidence that proved qwerty103.
Even after some people told investigators that qwerty103 was dead, the US government said that he legally wasn't. "The death form was eaten up by the Blight," said an investigator. Now, back to the battle.
The Evil General Killer was leading the forces, but a hacker got him to log off. Martyn, involved with the removal of Killer Tassadar, hacked G. Killer's account and changed the password. This resulted in the general logging out, thus the Microbe had no commander.
Now Martyn is a hero greater than Billy Bob Jones. He has changed his identity after receiving 14,262,215 love letters, and 2,252 proposals. That is all for today, and good night.
---philip2001
