Lil' Funny Stuff, Post It Here.

[zanco]

I thought it would be a good idea to creat a fun-only thread where people can post their jokes or the funny things they came accross over the internet or elsewhere.
let's have fun and laugh a little.
I start.

A lot of people have probably read most of these before, but what the heck! it kills me.


A simple question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

W. Shakespeare: "To cross or not to cross, that is the question."

Descartes: "Since the chicken does not really exist it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road."

Ghandi: To peacefully resist those who would not have him cross.

Charles Darwin: "Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads."

Moses: "And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, 'Thou shalt cross the road.' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing."

Dougls Adams: "Forty-two."

Epicurus: "For fun."

Jack Nicholson: "Because it #$&%* wanted to, that's the #$&%* reason."

Johnny Cochran: "Because the road was black and the chicken was white! We must acquit!"

Mark Twain: "The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated."

[/b]Ralph Waldo Emerson: "It didn't cross the road. It transcended it."

The Sphinx: "You tell me."

Timothy Leary: "Because that's the only type of trip the establishment would let it take."

Al Gore: "I invented the chicken. I invented the road."

Dr. Seuss: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?"

Ernest Hemmingway: "To die. In the rain. Alone."

Martin Luther King Jr. "I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question."

Pat Buchanan: "To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American."

Jerry Falwell: "Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

John Lennon: "Imagine all the chickens crossing roads together in peace."

Aristotle: "It is the nature of chickens to cross roads."

Karl Marx: "It was a historical inevitability."

Sadam Hussein: "This was an unprovoked act of a rebellion and we were perfectly justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on the chicken."

Voltaire: "I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it!"

Fox Mulder: "You saw it cross with your own eyes! How many more chickens must cross before you believe it!?"

Scully: "It was a simple, bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens. Nothing more."

Albert Einstein: "Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference."

Sigmund Freud: "The fact that you are at all concerned with the chicken reveals your underlying sexual insecurity."

L.A.P.D.: "Give us ten minutes with the chicken and we'll find out."

Buddha: "If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature."

Teller:  Smiley

Joseph Stalin: "I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette."

Ronald Reagan: "I forget."

John Locke: "He was merely exercising his natural right to liberty."

The average American grandpa: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us."

The Pope: "That is only for God to know."

M.C. Escher: "That depends upon which frame of reality it was on at the time."

Frogger: "To reach the crocodile-infested river, no doubt."

Plato: "For the greater good."

Nietzsche: "Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you."

Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"


Hope ya like.
 

[spirit1flyer]

Picard: Yes, Sigma Indri, that's the star. So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast, but still the trip will last and last.
We'll have two days till we arrive, but can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, we can't, we mustn't, and we shan't.
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me!
Worf: Not me!
Picard: How long, Computer, till we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams and stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Well, Data, thank you very much. You've saved our lives, our ship and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet!
Data: Which, of course, is made of granite...
Picard: Cease, you android. Please desist. We understand, we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go? Please make it so! Please make it so!
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires, and that's what started all the fires!
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go!
Troi: We must seek out this traitor spy, and lock him up and ask him why.
Worf: And ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental.
Troi: Any Romulans around? Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat we haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Oh, Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help clothe us, feed us!"
I can't sit and let them die! We must attempt, sir, we must try!
Picard: Good Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: They may be dead tomorrow noon!
Commercial Break, Commercial Break!
How Long Will All These Dumb Ads Take?
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig! He's very strong and very big!
I had my phaser set on stun -- A zip! A zap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall. He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form, all soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: And did you see this, Mr. Worf? You really saw this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw, quite squarely.
Riker: Commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end.
Crusher: So now let's get our ship to fly, and orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!

[thablkpanda]

Lmfao those are both crazy..

In the first post, I liked the:

Moses
Al Gore
Saddam
L.A.P.D
Ronald Reagan
and
Plato

answers, because they really expressed those individuals as their personalities..


Second Post-

Str8 up crazy. lmao

[Freeza-CII]

there once was a man from nantuckette
who used to s*** in a bucket
then he said awe f*** it


Fat people on treadmills are like Lava Lamps they move about in a gelatenous blob and become very hypnotizing over a period of time.


Someguy #1: Well i just got a new computer to day had to put windows 98 on it.  Only took about a hour to do

Someguy #2: Oh tha.........

SomeHICK:    You installed 98 winders in yer house in a hour how did you do that.  Took me a few hours to put up a few winders.

Someguy #1:  Were talking about computers

SomeHICK:   What? (leaves after 2 mins of being stumped)

Someguy #1 and 2:  Laugh there asses off.


The chicken crossed the road because it was stapled to a baby.

The chicken crossed the road after being put into a red and white bucket labled KFC.


Quote from a eskimo;
  I know its only my second day to work but when i told them i wasnt going to show up because it was a nice day out side they fired me.  I just dont understand it.


building a CC in a enemy base and getting away with it

The sound that is made when people fall in the mud.

[CK9]

ooo, my kind of thread, where are those bumper stickers I posted so long ago...

while I look for them, here are some of my old threads (hopefully the links in them still work):

http://forum.outpostuniverse.net/index.php?showtopic=922

http://forum.outpostuniverse.net/index.php?showtopic=1018

http://forum.outpostuniverse.net/index.php?showtopic=1017

http://forum.outpostuniverse.net/index.php?showtopic=1014

http://forum.outpostuniverse.net/index.php?showtopic=934

I thought this one was lost!

http://forum.outpostuniverse.net/index.php?showtopic=1111

[CK9]

found these while going through my PM's

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About forty-five minutes.

********************************************************

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About thirty pounds.
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Dolly
Sweet Little Girl: "Mommy, Mommy, the boy next door broke my dolly."

Mommy: "Why, that's terrible, dear. How did he do it?"

Little Girl: "I hit him over the head with it."
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The Wrong Man
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other woman responded, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
___________________________________________________________
Married Life
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
___________________________________________________________
Baby brother
Visitor: Does you baby brother talk yet?

Freddy: He doesnt' have to. He gets everything he wants by yelling.
___________________________________________________________
Beans
Husband: Beans again!

Wife: I don't understand it. You liked beans on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and now all of a sudden you don't like beans.
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