Philbonians is the not-Bible I have been writing since the summer. So far I have 14 chapters. I think you guys might like to see my attempt at the humor of randomocity. (Yes, I made up the word)
Chapter 1
(1) In the beginning, there was the internet. (2) Bill Gates saw it, and noticed he did not own it. (3) The people in the villages rejoiced with gladness and learned how to use computers. (4) All was good for a time. (5) Then Bob came along and stole all the toilet paper from the ladies's restroom, but this has nothing to do with Philbonians, actually.
(6) Once upon a time, there was a forum. (7) Sadly enough, the name of that forum is unknown to this day, and the members were lost, thus the forum is known as the Lost Forum. (
To this day, it is unknown why this was mentioned by the author in Philbonians.
(9) There was once a muffin man. (10) His hair was white as snow. (11) Then along came a spider. (12) And they met and drove off to a Starbucks. (13) The spider died after taking a sip of expresso. (14) The muffin man lived happily ever after.
(15) There once was a person on AIM. (16) She said she would do a study on the long term effects that Philbonians can have on a person. (17) To this day, the results of the study have not been released.
(18) I like red cars. Do you like red cars? (19) I like how red cars speed.
(20) There was once a mosquito and a human. (21) The human killed the mosquito. (22) The moral of the story is not to be a mosquito.
(23) There was once a dog and a chicken. (24) However, they are both no more. (25) They were both eaten by a genetically engineered tyrannusaurus rex. (26) Thankfully, the national guard killed the rex using C4. (27) That night, the people of the village ate meat for supper. (28) They danced and rejoiced for being delivered from the dinosaur. (29) Unfortunately, that dinosaur's family had a lawyer. (30) The village had to pay 2 million dollars in a settlement. (31) The village went bankrupt and the people moaned. (32) Then the village killed the lawyer and the people rejoiced. (33) Unfortunately, the lawyer's family had a lawyer. (34) The village killed the family and the lawyer, and everyone lived happily ever after.
(35) Did you know that at one point in time, there were 9,000,000 pizzas? (36) Unfortunately all those pizzas have been eaten. (37) It is hard to imagine how much electricity could have been generated from all of that pizza.
(38) There once was a stuffed bunny. (39) The little girl who had that stuffed bunny loved it dearly. (40) She and the bunny were best friends. (41) Then one day, her drunk father set the bunny on fire. (42) The little girl collected the ashes of the bunny into a cup. (43) Unfortunately, her mother took the cup, washed it out, and the ashes went down the drain.
(44) There once was a deer that roamed through the forest. (45) This dear was a happy deer, and traveled across the country. (46) One day there was a documentary filmed about this deer. (47) The people in the village who watched the documentary became happy. (48) Then one redneck watched the documentary, got in his car, drove over, and shot the deer. (49) In order to get some quick money, the redneck sold the deer to the village. (50) The people of the village ate venison and never knew it was the happy deer in the documentary.
Chapter 2
(1) The forum creator came to the front of the room and then started giving the 59 random commandments.
(2)[1] Thou shall not type with only three fingers, for it is slow, and not very productive.
(3)[2] Thou shall type with all ten fingers, and be productive. The fruits of following this commandment will result in many posts abounding in your post count.
(4)[3] Thou shall not drink prune juice, for this juice does not taste well to those who drink it.
(5)[4] Thou shall not skip snack time, for this time is truely sacred to those who love snacks.
(6)[5] Thou shall not contribute funds to the John Kerry Presidential campaign, because he is for and against receiving funds.
(7)[6] Thou shall not drive on railroad tracks, for a police car perished on them in a movie.
(
[7] Thou shall not raise the pinky at someone with no excuse. The raising of the pinky is very serious.
(9)[8] Thou shall not eat vegetables on a Sunday, for they taste weird.
(10)[9] Thou shall not have antacids before eating a pizza, for they are to be haved after a pizza has been eaten.
(11)[10] Thou shall not eat leftovers older than 5 days old, for this can be most unhealthy.
(12)[11] Thou shall not eat only candy in one day, but also must have some snacks.
(13)[12] Those who drink Pepsi shall surely eventually die.
(14)[13] Thou shall not live on popcorn alone, but also by the soda which is abundant in this land.
(15)[14] Thou shall not on healthy food alone, for you would be missing out on the finer pleasures of life.
(16)[15] Thou shall not leave the toilet seat up, unless you think you can get away with it.
(17)[16] Thou shall not eat more than 10 pounds of arsenic a day, for it is dangerous.
(18)[17] Thou shall not walk on the yellow brick road, for it is inhabited by strange creatures.
(19)[18] Thou shall not grill vegetables on a barbeque grill, for this is blasphemy.
(20)[19] Thou shall not make clothes out of popsicle sticks, for it is not too smart.
(21)[20] Thou shall not build a house on quicksand, for it is doomed to sink.
(22)[21] Thou shall not give money to dead people, for that is useless.
(23)[22] Thou shall not eat anything radioactive, for this is a way to die.
(24)[23] Thou shall not by struck by lightning, or you will have more doctor bills.
(25)[24] Thou shall not eat green meat, for this is most unhealthy.
(26)[25] Thou shall not eat maggot infested food, for those around you may want to keep their appetites.
(27)[26] Thou shall not be at a Starbucks for less than 30 seconds, for this sounds like good advice.
(28)[27] Thou shall not eat a mad cow, for mad cow disease can have an interesting effect on humans.
(29)[28] Thou shall not step on 5 cracks per day, for that is all the back breaks bearable by a mother.
(30)[29] Thou shall reapeth, as thou posteth, therefore, thou shall post more.
(31)[30] Thou shall not dance on lava, for this can cause death.
(32)[31] Thou shall not play in acid, for this can cause damage to skin.
(33)[32] Thou shall not start a diet on a Friday, for Fridays are to be joyous days.
(34)[33] Thou shall not spam a forum, unless spamming where spam is allowed.
(35)[34] Thou shall not eat foods past the expiration date, for this can make one vomit.
(36)[35] Thou shall not chew on pens, for pen ink leaks are not healthy for the digestive system.
(37)[36] Thou shall not bite fingernails, for with the current evolution of lawyers, they will have some in a few years.
(38)[37] Thou shall not play with leaky batteries, for this does not seem wise.
(39)[38] Thou shall not work on electical devices in bathtubs, in memory of Bob.
(40)[39] Thou shall not go on a webcam without being awake, for a sleeping person fails to amuze the audience.
(41)[40] Thou shall not operate heavy machinery under the influence of drugs, for this may cause damage to property and persons.
(42)[41] Thou shall not try to bribe a government official, unless you know the official has been bribed before.
(43)[42] Thou shall not do something for the heck of it, for ... well, *writers block*
(44)[43] Thou shalt not drink and drive, for you might hit a bump and spill your beer.
(45)[44] There is no commandment that is exactly like another.
(46)[45] There is no commandment that is exactly like another commandment.
(47)[46] Thou shall not lead fish from water, for this is unhealthy for the fish.
(48)[47] Thou shall not drink brown water, for this is most unhealthy.
(49)[48] Thou shall not receive more than six mosquito bites per second, for anything faster than this rate is hard to bear,
(50)[49] Thou shall not leave ammunition in closet, for you never know when you need it.
(51)[50] Thou shall not live on sugar alone, but by the salty snack which are abundant in this land.
(52)[51] Thou shall not maketh a title mocking a forum member with a post count higher than 200.
(53)[52] Thou shall not mow a lawn using scissors, for this is inefficient.
(54)[53] Thou shall not attempt to launch oneself into orbit by jumping off a roof, for in most cases escape velocity is not achieved.
(55)[54] Thou shall not eat and type at the same time, for this is difficult and messy.
(56)[55] Thou shall not eat the green cheese, for this can cause one to vomit.
(57)[56] Thou shall not eat fresh meat off a living animal, for animal rights protestors will sue you and win.
(58)[57] Thou shall not remove the tag from a matress, for there are elves who chase such perverts.
(59)[58] Thou shall not donate furniture to the homeless, for the streets are already crowded.
(60)[59] Thou shall not refer to William Carson as the WC, for this can confuse him with a commonly used room.
Chapter 3
(1) The first politician ever was Og. (2) It is noted that Og was the first person to lie to the general public. (3) This was before the days of reelections. (4) Due to Og's poor performance, the first assassination took place.
(5) One day, an aquatic donkey beached itself. (6) It quickly created its own English dialect and the donkey was called Clinton. (7) Clinton's nose greweth and greweth. (
Some historians believe that Clinton was a habitual liar. (9) Whenever there was half a mile of nose, the nose would cut off, and a new Socialist would be made. (10) From Clinton came many Socialists, such as Gore and Kerry.
(11) With presidential candidates, there is first a guy. (12) The goal is to become the last one standing in the primary, so that you will be able to find a partner for life. (13) The partners are joined together in a union, (14) and are pronounced presidential candidate and vice-presidential candidate. (15) This always happens with Democrats, and never has been documented for Republicans.
(16) Just before the beginning of the third millenium, a donkey that came forth from Clinton tried to steal an election. (17) Unfortunately for the donkey, the other candidate was a Texan, and had his rifle handy. (18) The Texan had donkey for supper. (19) The donkey's ghost speaks at Democratic conventions. (20) However, no one ever tried to put the donkey up for another try at the presidency.
(21) A Frenchman, a Conservative Militia member, and a UN representative entered a bar. (22) The Frenchman surrendered to the militia member, and the UN representative stood by and did nothing.
(23) There once was an evil dictator. (24) The Liberal Media never really got to interview him much. (25) Now Saddam can be interviewed from his comfy cell anytime 9-5.
(26) There once was a tree. (27) It was a big old tree, and one day, it was cut down. (28) The toilet paper made from that tree saved 300 lives. (29) Environmentalists and the tree's family sued.
(30) Yankee Doddle came to town riding on his pony. (31) Stuck a feather in his cap and called it Macaroni. (32) Then animal rights groups came in and sued for the pony be used for riding purposed. (33) Then the ACLU came in and sued Yankee Doodle for his name, (34) for not having a more globalist name. (34) Then the game bird rights people sued Yankee Doodle for using the feather in his cap. (35) Then the animal rights people sued again for Yankee Doodle having a leather cap. (36) Now, Yankee Doodle is now referred to as Globie Chirac and Globie walked into town on his two feet.
(37) One day there was a Socialist. (38) He yelled at people saying he was not a Socialist, but a Democrat. (39) Then he was called a Liberal. (40) The Socialist became quite angry, and saved a rain forest. (41) Unfortunately, the development he stopped would have been Clinton's summer house.
(42) The forum creator came forth and demanded, (43) "Thou must vote for Bush in 2004. For if Bush does not win, we will be stuck with a Frenchman." (44) The people of the village quickly rushed to the polls. (45) Unfortunately, the people of the village did not understand that the election was not until November.
Chapter 4
(1) There once was a master Chef. (2) He was known by all the people of the village as Chef Oblif (pronounced Oh-bleef). (3) Oblif was a great chef, there will never be one as great as him. (3) He had five apprentice chefs, who later started their own food chains. (4) The first apprentice was Doe John Roy. (5) The second was Doh Boy, but he was excommunicated by Oblif after the pizza sause incident. (6) The other three I did not really like, so I won't say their names. That and I am lazy.
(7) Oblif's food was made with a magical touch, the food tasted great, and no one gained weight. (
The people of the village rejoiced and ate much pizza, cake, chocolate, hamburgers, and many other foods. (9) The people of the village never had any upset stomachs. (10) Olbif's magical touch came from his magical glove, rumored to have been made by forum elves.
(11) However, Doh Boy got greedy, tried to steal the glove and make a new type of legendary pizza sauce. (12) Chef Oblif caught him in the act, took back the glove, and excommunicated him. (13) Papa Johns later on went to establish a chain of pizza restaurants.
(14) There was once a cat dressed up as a chicken. (15) Oblif mistook the cat for a chicken, and baked it. (16) The people of the village enjoyed baked cat (except for the cat's owner, which later found out she ate her own cat).
(17) One day, Chef Oblif had one of his apprentices borrow the glove for a day. (18) That aprentice put water in a bottle, and it tasted good. (19) Chef Oblif thought this was a waste, and he shot that apprentice.
(20) Doe John Roy, upset over the death of the apprentice, led a revolt against Chef Oblif. (21) The Doe John Roy had many AK-47s, tanks, and bazookas. (22) Chef Oblif quickly created a chili so spicy, that a line of fire immediately stood between him and Doe John Roy. (23) No water could estinguish the flame.
(24) Chef Oblif fled to Hollywood, and made a living cooking foods and being in movies. (25) Chef Oblif became rich. (26) Even though Chef Oblif was rich, he still made his own food. (27) Chef Oblif even had his own restaurant.
(28) However, Doe John Roy eventually got around the chili flames. (29) Doe John Roy went to one of Oblif's movie premieres were a concealed sausepan and an Uzi. (30) When the lights dimmed at the premiere, the Doe John Roy hit Oblif with the saucepan.
(31) Chef's Oblif hat included a sheet of bulletproof steal, thus the saucepan was ineffective. (32) Chef Oblif then threw hot sauce at Doe John Roy. (33) After that, the Doe John Roy always looked like an old man. (34) Doe John Roy, out of anger, then shot Oblif. (35) Unfortunately, he shot Oblif through his glove. (36) The glove was destroyed.
(37) The lights then undimmed. (38) Doe John Roy ran away before anyone could identify him. (Other than the forum creator) (39) A reporter rushed over to Oblif. (40) Oblif then started speaking his final words, (41) "I have been shot, my glove is ruined. (42) Eat all the pizza, cake, chocolate, snacks, and other fattening foods you want. (43) However, you need to know my secret. (44) I guess now is a good a time as ever to tell you my secret on how you can eat my food and not get fat. (45) All you have to do is ..."
(46) Then, Chef Oblif died. (47) The people of the village mourned and wept. (48) The Doe John Roy started a fast food restaurant chain. (49) Chef Oblif's big secret will never be know. (50) The people of the village kept on eating the same foods as before. (51) However, since those foods were not made with the magical glove, the people of the village got fat. (52) Shortly after, the first dietician was born.
Chapter 5
(1) One day, the forum service provider came forth and commanded the forum creator to find the Holy Spam Filter. (2) The Holy Spam Filter made any spam post into a well thought out post worthy of a Nobel prize. (3) The forum creator came forth to the front of the forum, and called out for expert spammers. (4) Seven expert spammers came forth.
(5) First, there was Sir Postalot. (6) He singlehandledly brought down two small forums with lengthy rapid spam. (7) Then there was Sir Spamalot. (
He would be considered the King of Spam, if that title was not taken. (9) Then there were the Spamming Triplets. (10) They were rapid spammers, sharing one account to bring a forum to its knees. (11) There was also Sir Somebody. (12) It is unknown how this person was qualified for the position of expert spammer. (13) Together, the expert spammers and the forum creator became known as The Spamming Army of Doom.
(14) An anonymous tip was sent to the forum creator, that a forum which had in depth political debate, was in possession of the Holy Spam Filter. (15) The Spamming Army of Doom went forth to the URL, only to discover a redirect had been put in place. (16) Instantly, the Spamming Army of Doom was redirected to the Fortress of Dead Spamming Zombies. (17) Foolishly, the forum creator then commanded, "Kill all the members!" (18) Moments later, the forum creator realized all the members were already dead. (19) The zombies after a definite amount of time later locked onto Sir Somebody's IP, and instantly drained the life out of him. (20) The forum creator then ordered a retreat, and the Spamming Army of Doom retreated.
(21) A week later, the forum creator employed Google to find references to the Holy Spam Filter. (22) There was a forum which spoke of it, and the Spamming Army of Doom instantly loaded their browsers there. (23) The forum creator arrived to the forum, and shouted in that forum, "Who runs this place?" (24) Then, a midget came forth and posted. (25) "I, Bobo the Tall, run this place." (26) Then another poster replied, "He is not tall! I live with him, he is my brother." (27) The administrator of that forum then declared, "Brother, you are now banned!!!" (28) The forum creator then asked, "What do you know of the Holy Spam Filter?" (29) After a lengthy discussion, the forum creator then declared, "Spamming Army of Doom, activate IP scramblers! Attack that forum!" (30) In a matter of seconds, the forum collapsed, and unfortunately, the Holy Spam Filter was lost in the CPU meltdown.
(31) The forum service provider heard the Holy Spam Filter was destroyed, and he got mad. (32) The forum creator and the people of the forum banded together, for a battle to determine the survival of the forum. (33) The forum creator had the people of the forum backup all the posts, (34) and when the posts on the forum were starting to dissapear, the people of the forum reposted those posts. (35) This went on for two weeks, until the mailbomb reached the home of the forum service provider. (36) Thankfully, the will of the service provider had not been altered, and the forum creator inherited the forum server. (37) The people of the forum rejoiced and spammed. (38) The spamming got out of hand, so the forum creator did month-long bans on those who spammed.
Chapter 6
(1) Once upon a time, there was a penguin. (2) His name was Joe. (3) Linux the human was his best friend. (4) Linux died from disobeying the 22nd commandment. (5) Joe then wept for a long time, until he was befriended by Windows the weasel. (6) Then Joe found out Windows killed Linux, and that Linux unknowingly disobeyed the 22nd commandment. (7) Joe quickly grabbed a rubber-band, and assassinated Windows with it. (
Apparently, Windows had many design flaws.
(9) Doctor Macintosh came over, and told Joe that Linux could still be saved, (10) by setting Joe on fire with some of the flame from the magical lamp post. (11) Doctor Macintosh gave Joe a cryptic map to the magical lamp post. (12) Joe then left his house and started a journey.
(13) Two miles later, Joe was battling the snow. (14) Joe could not take it much longer. (15) So Joe shot his rubberband up at a cloud, and it stopped snowing. (16) The sun came out, and then Joe's feet were freed from their snowy prison. (17) However, it turns out Joe took a wrong turn.
(18) Five miles later, inexplicably, Joe found the right turn. (19) He was sure of it when he saw the road sign pointing towards Right Turn. (20) Joe entered the town of Right Turn, and found it is was no where near on his path. (21) Now Joe was lost.
(22) Joe went around, asking where the magical lamp post was. (23) An old man, Eniac, told him it was on the south side of Mount Dos. (24) Unfortunately, neither the penguin nor the old man knew where Mount Dos was. (25) However, Eniac gave Joe a stapler, to fight a dangerous foe that Joe would be facing in Verse 50 of this chapter. (26) Joe asked who that foe was. (27) Eniac would not say, knowing that saying who would cause a ripple in the Philbonians Chatper-Verse Continuum.
(79) Unfortunately, Eniac revealing what he did reveal did cause a ripple in the Philbonians Chatper-Verse Continuum. (80) It is unknown what happened between verses 29-79. (81) What happened will be revealed ... in a future book.
(82) After the Philbonians Chatper-Verse Continuum was rippled, Joe encountered the Geometry Book of Doom! (83) Joe shot it with a rubberband, (84) it countered with a lesson on supplemental angles. (85) Then, for no apparent reason, Eniac was heard, his voice sounding ghostlike, "Use the stapler, Joe!" (86) As that was said, the Geometry Book of Doom then attacked with a pop quiz. (87) It is unknown if Joe survived this attack, because
(88) the forum creator was then unhappy with the forum as he was writing what happened. (89) Then the forum creator spoke to the people of the forum forum, and demanded that the forum get to 400 poster per day, and hold that for three days. (90) If that was done, 2nd Philbonians would tell the rest of the story. (91) Then the forum creator decided that six chapters were too short for the book of Philbonians. (92) Then he decided to continue the story.
(93) Joe was knocked out by the pop quiz, and the pop quiz laughed. (94) Joe later regained consciousness.
(28) Joe woke up, and Eniac told Joe that he fell asleep, and if he believed what happened in his dream was real, the chapter-verse continuum would be broken. (29) Joe decided to not believe his dream was real, having the feeling that the chapter-verse continuum was to be taken seriously. (30) Joe then went out in search of a map to Mount Dos.
(31) Joe entered a map store. (32) Then a weasel met him and said, "I know what you seek, now you shall die!" (33) Joe was surprised to find such hostility in a map store. (34) As the weasel was unsheathing his sword, Joe said to the weasel, "I will be 10 times the actual value of the map!" (35) The weasel then dropped his sword, and said, "Sorry for the misunderstanding. Here is the map, give me the money." (36) Joe then said, "How do I know that you won't keep both?" (37) "Trust me," replied the weasel. (38) Joe told the weasel, "You're a weasel!" (39) Then Joe heard Eniac speak to him in a ghost like voice, "Use the stapler, Joe." (40) Joe immediately pulled out the stapler, and swiftly stapled the weasels arms together. (41) The weasel made a loud unhappy noise and Joe ran off with the map.
(42) Joe then went towards Mount Dos. (43) The next 36 verses are a blur, and all Joe did was walk towards Mount Dos. (44) Then, verses 82-87 repeated themselves, then verse 93-94 happened, and from then on, Joe was trapped in a time loop. (45) What happens next will be told in the Book of Joe.
Chapter 7
(1) The forum creator came forth, and sat on the high seat at the forum index. (2) Then he began preaching. (3) "I often see the members of this forum pointing out one's spelling error. (4) What I must say is, do not point out the spelling error in another's post, when you have severe grammer flaws in your own posts. (5) For a spelling error can in most cases be understood, but grammer errors are a true pain. (6) Woe unto those who sow their posts with grammar errors, (7) for doom shall come upon you, and the members of the forum shall laugh at your username. (
Blessed are those who include much content in their posts, (9) for their cyberdays shall be long and prosperous."
(10) A member came to the forum creator and asked, "Who shall inherit the foum?" (11) The forum creator answered, "Some say the normal will inherit the forum, or it will be grammar conscience. (12) No, the forum will not be inherited by those, even though those would use it. (13) The weird shall inherit the forum, for it is now written, (14) 'The weird have tendencies to come out in large numbers to forums.'" (15) That member then asked, "No, I meant: Who will be in charge?" (16) "The insane shall be at the front of the community, for the normal have lives." (17) That member, being very frustrated, then asked, "I MEAN WHO THE G'BLAZES WILL GET THE FORUM AFTER YOU DIE!" (18) "That is something that shall not be revealed before the due time. (19) Were I to say now, the members of that forum would start giving that person money for no apparent reason."
(20) Another member came forth and asked, "What is the best way to get many posts?" (21) "You must stop having pleasure in the things of the real world, and devote all free time to the forum. (22) However, new scientific studies show that isn't much of a life." (23) Another poster came forth and asked, "What must I do to become registered?" (24) "You must be almost reborn, choose yourself a new name and a personality which fits you. (25) Then you must go through the initiation process, by going through the registration forms. (26) Finally, you must get a decent avatar, and pray for blessings to come through your posts. (27) Then, you are really registered into the almost holy community of the forum. (28) We'd be a holy community, but we can't afford to be sued."
(29) A member of the forum staff asked, "Who shall sit at your right side, oh wise forum creator." (30) The forum creator responded and said, "Silly one, this is an online community after all. (31) Of course, no ones sits next to each other, unless siblings." (32) The forum creator then started sharing a parable, (33) "There once was a forum with little posters, so the forum administrator promised several nonposters post bonuses for posting. (34) There were three more members to that forum. (35) Then the forum creator saw two other nonposters, and promised them the same post bonuses as the previously newly registered posters. (36) There were two new posters.
" (37) By twos and threes, the process repeated itself. (38) Finally the first three to join on the bonuses said, (39) 'We posted harder than those posters after us, and still, they get the same amount from post bonuses as we do. (40) We want more.' (41) The administrator said to them, 'I do with my post bonuses as I please, I am the dictator here. What is wrong with equal generocity?' (42) The moral of this story is that post bonuses do help a forum." (43) Then, the Dark Lord Applesause attacked the forum creator. (44) The forum creator blocked using the ban option. (45) That only held for a few seconds, (46) the Dark Lord, seeing the forum staff surrounding the forum creator, vowed he would come back with an army someday to try to conquer the almost holy forum.
Chapter 8
(1) In the beginning, there was the internet. (2) It was created and all saw that it was good. (3) Shortly after the creation, websites started forming. (4) After that, the forum was invented. (5) It was a great achievement during the primitive age of the internet. (6) The people of the village rejoiced and were very glad. (7) Then Microsoft and computer viruses were invented. (
The people of the village saw that this was not good.
(9) There was once a cat, a cat owner, and a keyboard. (10) The cat walked on the keyboard and accidently had the current message being typed up posted. (11) The cat owner had no time to proof read what he posted and what resulted from the post were the internet words "teh," "u," and "#%!*%*!@@!." (12) The moral of this story is that even the most innocent furry creatures can ruin good grammar on the internet.
(13) There was once a spider and a car. (14) The car, not liking spiders, offered the spider a ride on the top of its wheel. (15) After the car started up, it went in reverse, and the spider was squashed. (16) The moral of the story is never to ride on the top of a wheel.
(17) There was once a human and a tiger. (18) The moral of this story is that stories should be finished before you tell the moral.
(19) There once was a duck. (20) It looked beautiful and was proud of it. (21) Then it learned that makeup doesn't stay on long on creatures that float most of the day on water. (22) That duck is the ugly duck, according to the most recent accurate translation of Quackorian. (23) Previous translated versions resulted in the famous story of the ugly duckling, which simply is not at all accurate. (24) The people of the village after learning the truth always told the story of the ugly duck.
(25) There was once a powerful army of ninjas bent on world domination. (26) For years, they trained by watching cheesy ninja movies. (27) Unfortunately, their first target was the village of the cheese people. (28) The cheese people, fluent in the arts of cheesiness, were able to thwart the ninja world domination plan. (29) Then after that, the cheese people joined the Democratic party and have influenced them ever since.
(30) The forum creator came forth and told the forumites of the three universal laws of posting. (31) The first law is that posting a post increases the total number of posts by one post. (32) The second law is that active posters post actively. (33) The third law is that one must not get on the forum creator's bad side, or bad things may happen. (34) The posters were awed by the conventional wisdom displayed in the three universal laws for a split second. (35) Then things returned to normal.
(36) Legend speaks of the Holy Spam Filter. (37) News of its destruction is unknown to the majority of the people of the village. (38) Many people try to attack the forum, thinking it is there. (39) They eventually grow weary and become top posters. (40) This is how the forum managed to stay afloat while the people of the village took a sudden liking to reading books.
(41) There once was a flea. (42) It would jump higher and higher with every jump. (43) On its last jump it hit a moving fan blade and died. (44) The moral of this story is that the sky may be the limit, but there still are fan blades.
(45) There was a chicken and a turkey. (46) The chicken said it would taste better than the turkey when it was killed. (47) While saying this, the chicken breathed in a virus. (48) The chicken died from the virus, making it unsuitable for consumption. (49) The turkey became the main course at a Thanksgiving meal. (50) The moral of the story is that bold claims can lead to terrible consequences.
Chapter 9
(1) The forum creator came forth and gave more random commandments:
(2) [60] Thou shall not eat white chocolate on Thursdays.
(3) [61] Thou shall not do the hokey pokey, it's hokus pokus.
(4) [62] Thou shall vomit, that was not chicken you just ate.
(5) [63] Thou shall not do prank calls to the morgue, they have no sense of humor.
(6) [64] Thou shall not leave a gas stove on all day.
(7) [65] Thou shall not sing "Feliz Navidad," because I said so.
(
[66] Thou shall not leave a real christmas tree up until July, that is why they have artificial trees.
(9) [67] Thou shall cougheth, that is not all oxygen you are breathing in.
(10) [68] Thou shall not drink and post.
(11) [69] Thou shall not threaten the forum creator.
(12) [70] Thou shall not make your own commandments, or the forum creator will sue you.
(13) [71] Thou shall not play with cadabers, they have no sense of humor.
(14) [72] Thou shall not play with psychopathic mercenaries, they have no good sense of humor.
(15) [73] Thou shall not play with John Kerry, he has no idea what is funny.
(16) [74] Thou shall not play with people just to cause them pain, they'll think you have no good sense of humor.
(17) [75] Thou shall not sing loud during a public prayer.
(18) [76] Thou shall not walk on lava, loss of limbs and/or life may result.
(19) [77] Thou shall not play with spray cans and flame.
(20) [78] Thou shall not play with tactical nuclear warheads.
(21) [79] Thou shall not laugh at this commandment.
(22) [80] Thou shall not diet on the eight day of the week.
(23) [81] Thou shall not get lice ... on purpose.
(24) [82] Thou shall not play with fire unless you have to.
(25) [83] Thou shall not play with gasoline in flaming buildings.
(26) [84] Thou shall not try to make contact with aliens.
(27) [85] Thou shall better not become Rathertized.
(28) [86] Thou shall not speak to dead people, they are not too happy.
(29) [87] Thou shall not talk to live people, they are not always happy.
(30) [88] Thou shall forget that last commandment.
(31) [89] Thou shall not run with the cockroaches in the alies of Germany.
(32) [90] Thou shall not do something and call it a practice without insurance.
(33) [91] Thou shall not dare a friend to do something unless you have a bet on it.
(34) [92] Thou shall not try to find out what your best friend did last summer.
(35) [93] Thou shall not dance in a ring of fire, you might slip and look silly.
(36) [94] Thou shall not fly by your own willpower without the permission of the Major League Broadcasting Association.
(37) [95] Thou shall not verbally pick on deaf people.
(38) [96] Thou shall not eat blue potato chips.
(39) [97] Thou shall not drink green-purplish water.
(40) [98] Thou shall not sniff someone's hair without their permission.
(41) [99] Thou shall not sing with antijoy.
(42) [100] Thou shall not shall not shall not!
(43) [101] Thou shall not impersonate famous forum posters.
(44) [102] Thou shall not kick boxes without a good reason.
(45) [103] Thou shall not joke while being consumed in flames.
(46) [104] Thou shall not drop a radio in a bathtub.
(47) [105] Thou shall not get a cat on the FBI's most wanted list.
(48) [106] Thou shall not eat sticky orange-purplish meat.
(49) [107] Thou shall not deliberately post an accidental post.
(50) [108] Thou shall not hostiley take over a nation except for peaceful reasons.
(51) [109] Thou shall not aggrivate a guy holding you hostage with a polka CD.
(52) [110] Thou shall not play with Pepsi and trash compacters, in memory of George.
(53) [111] Thou shall not pick on the forum creator's lack of a life.
(54) [112] Thou shall not ask how the forum creator has time to do what he does.
(55) [113] Thou shall not try to find out what the forum creator really did last summer.
(56) [114] Thou shall not comment on the forum creator's lack of a girlfriend.
(57) [115] Thou shall not comment on the forum creator's nonlack of a girlfriend.
(58) [116] Thou shall not comment on the last two commandments.
(59) [117] Thou shall try to do all these commandments if you feel like it.
(60) [118] Thou shall wait for the next chapter of Philbonians.
Chapter 10
(1) The forum creator came forth and starting writing why the Democrats did not win the Election of 2004. (2) Once upon a time, Linux had a brother Unix. (3) Unix immediately died when he had heard that Linux had been slain by Windows. (4) Some nerdy corporate executives trying to relive their past revived Unix. (5) Unix lived again, and haunted all the people of the village. (6) Quickly he became known as Frankenstein.
(7) Frankenstein destroyed all the candy stores. (
The people of the village fled from town. (9) Frakenstein took over the village, and made all the people there is loyal subjects. (10) Frakenstein was the only person in the village. (11) Then one day, the forum creator came forth and slayed Frakenstein. (12) The people of the village rejoiced, (13) then they beat up each other on land claims.
(14) When John Kerry ran for office, he looked like Frankenstein. (15) Those who enjoyed all the new land they got through beating up others voted for Kerry because of this. (16) All those who lost land voted against him. (17) Kerry lost. (18) Then, the forum creator started a private gloatfest of celebration. (19) Only half the village joined him.
(20) A media elite, conservative, and liberal walked into a bar. (21) The liberal insulted the conservative, and the conservative returned the insult. (22) Next day in the news, the headline was, "Liberal Verbally Assaulted For Use of 1st Amendment Rights."
(23) There once was a Democrat who ran for president. (24) He spent an incredible amount of money and attacked the Republican candidate with no restraint. (25) That Democrat lost. (26) YEEEEEEEEES!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YES YES YES YES OH YEAH!!!!!!!!! (27) BOO YAH! HE LOST!!!! REPUBLICANS WIN!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!!! (28) IN YOUR FACE! YES! OH YES! YAAAAAAY!
(29) There once was a rare endangered species rabid otter biting people. (30) A redneck shot it. (31) The redneck can now be visited from 2-4 on Tuesdays at the Village Jail.
(32) The village choir started singing, (33) "Silent night, holy night. (34) All uncalm. All so dim. (35) ACLU sued the church. No more Christmas till 3004. (36) Sleep in heavenly peeeeeeace, sleep in heeeeeeavenly peace."
(37) One day a minister at a church comdemned gay marriage. (38) The ACLU sued the church for intolerance. (39) In the end, who is the most intolerant, the intolerant by principle or the intolerant of the intolerant?
(40) The forum creator came forth to the forum, and demanded that everyone would vote for him in 2024. (41) The people of the village started fundraisers for the forum creator. (42) They also started a militia. (43) The forum creator should be ready to run in 2024.
Chapter 11
(1) There was once a nurse in the village. (2) She was famous and had a boyfriend. (3) Then she one time gave him too much asprin. (4) The boyfriend's family sued. (5) Trying to figure out how much money she had, she went to the village accountant. (6) She spent a lot of time with the village accountant. (7) The village accountant eventually fell in love with the nurse. (
The nurse came to fall in loathdom with the accountant.
(9) The accountant, in an attempt to please the nurse, gave her a cat for Christmas. (10) The nurse was allergic to cats. (11) The cat did not like her. (12) The cat attacked her. (13) She sued the accountant. (14) The judge ruled that she would get the accountant's dog. (15) She was allergic to dogs too. (16) The dog did eventually write a book ... after the end of this chapter.
(17) She left the dog at a kennel and rode on a zebra away from the village as fast as she could. (18) Unfortuantely, zebras aren't exactly riding animals. (19) In a town five miles away from the village, she was in a hospital bed for five months. (20) It is unknown if the cast on the left arm was ever taken off. (21) It was said she looked like an unhappy mummy. (22) Then again, that can be due to the fact that her lips were sown together and that it always looked like she is unhappy until they removed the stiches. (23) Her roomate was Bob. (24) He was a mute.
(25) The accountant searched for the nurse. (26) The nurse escaped from the hospital in an electric wheelchair, then sent an attack goose at the accountant. (27) The goose yelled, "AFLAC!" mutliple times while pecking the accountant. (28) The accountant bled much. (29) He returned to the village, and recovered. (30) A year later he left looking for the nurse again. (31) Unfortunately, a tribe of cannibals found him. (32) He has not been heard from since. (33) Days later the cannibals sold a bad suit and a calculator on eBay. (34) Whether or not he was eaten or just slain is unknown.
(35) There are a few morals to this story. (36) First moral is that accountants should be very cautious before trying to please a nurse with a living thing. (37) Second, accountants should find out the allergies of those they send gifts too. (38) Third, judges can give strange rulings. (39) Fourth, you can find mutes in the strangest of places. (40) Fifth, chasing after someone who hates you is not a good idea. (41) Sixth, getaways can be made in electric wheelchairs. (42) Seventh, it does everyone good to know where the cannibal tribes are located each different season. (43) And finally, cannibals can be quite impressionable.
Chapter 12
(1) Sometime after the beginning, there was Mog. (2) He came from the Milky Way Bar cluster of stars. (3) He came all the way to Earth, just to buy his friends some Mountain Dew and Vanilla Coke. (4) Unfortunately, Mog lacked the currency to obtain the beverages.
(5) For that reason, he joined the circus. (6) Before he knew it, he became famous. (7) Unfortunately, Islamic militants did not like Mog. (
They tried to kill him in a suicide bombing, but they accidently killed the talking alligator.
(9) Mog managed to buy the soda and escape to his home among the stars. (10) His people took the terrorists attack as an act of war. (11) After a couple of months, a fleet assembled. (12) That fleet started bombarding Arab nations from orbit. (13) The USA got the blame, since the general public did not believe in aliens. (14) China and France declared war on America. (15) France surrendered two minutes later.
(16) Mog knew that if the war would not be stopped in time, all the Mountain Dew and Vanilla Coke would be destroyed. (17) Mog told his leaders about this and a peace conference convened in Geneva. (18) Hollywood got France. (19) A non-aggression pact was signed between China and the USA. (20) Mog almost caused the destruction of his favorite sodas. (21) On that day, Mog learned that it was not a good idea to join the circus.
(22) There once was a a day wll the dead posters revived to spam on the forums of the living. (23) The forum creator and all of his moderators got online to fight the zombie-posting threat. (24) As spam was flying onto the forum, posts were being quickly deleted. (25) Then a dead admin revived. (26) He quickly seized the forum.
(27) The forum was being quickly flooded with spam. (28) The forum creator then used his handy-dandy backdoor account to hack into the forum and ban that admin ... to death. (29) The forum was closed to breaking to the pressure of the flood of spam being posted. (30) The forum could not survive much more spam. (31) The forum creator had the moderators unbanned to help limit the spam, while he searched for the key to solve the problem on his hard drive.
(32) Then a dead hacker revived just to stop the forum creator from finding the Holy Backup of the Forum. (33) Time was running out. (34) The moderators were beginning to be overburdened with excessive amounts of spam. (35) The forum creator logged off the internet to lose the hacker. (36) The forum creator found the Holy Backup of the Forum. (37) He quickly reconnected. (38) The moderators were starting to collapse from exhaustion.
(39) The forum creator, just in the knick of time, loaded the Holy Backup of the Forum, which had been updated the day before. (40) All the dead posters reregistrations were quickly undone, thus ending the dreadful zombie spam attack. (41) The lesson of this story is that it is good to have a Holy Backup to your forum. (42) Also, zombies are quite efficient spammers.
Chapter 13
(1) The forum creator came forth, and sat on the high seat at the forum index. (2) Then he began preaching. (3) "I often seeing people making fun of how other posters Ps and Qs look in a post. (4) What I say to you is, mind your own Ps and Qs. (5) If you bother people about theirs, do you really expect people to bother you about yours? (6) Of course you fat ignornant poster! (7) Through aggrivating them, they will try to aggrivate you. (
Then, the admin HAS to step in. (9) Then he shall smite both posters, and all the other posters will watch the smiting while eating popcorn and drinking soda."
(10) Then a familiar poster asked, "Who gets the forum when you die?" (11) The forum creator answered, "You're not getting it, so stop asking! (12) It will be the person who has my favor more than any other person. (13) A person must hit my fancy if they are going to run the forum in a way I would be okay with. (14) I will not reveal before the due time who shall take my place. (15) Were I to say now, the members of that forum would start giving that person money for no apparent reason. (16) I am the designated person to get money for no apparent reason."
(17) A newbie then came forth and asked, "How does one become a great poster?" (18) The forum creator replied, "One must forsake all his real-world ties, and give up all real life things. (19) You must get an awesome avatar. (20) You must create a cool banner. (21) You must have a cool nickname. (22) If you lack a nickname, I am sure I can be creative. (23) I dont think I've run out of elf names yet. (24) Then one posts often and posts great posts. (25) Eventually, once you are a great example of a great member, you will become a moderator. (26) Given that you don't do any bad practical jokes using your power, you will have many fruitful days as a moderator."
(27) A forum staff member then asked, "What are my benefits?" (28) The forum creator replied, "You can translate short posts into long posts. (29) You get a virtual dental plan with shiny avatar options. (30) Your signature will receive review from the best of the forum. (31) You might become cool all the sudden if you were not already. (32) The posters would fear you, but not as much as they fear me, the Almighty Forum Creator who typed thirteen characters and the forum took form. (33) You always get four weeks of vacation time."
(34) The forum creator then said, "I now have a parable to tell. (35) There once was a poster, who owned little. (36) He gave all he had for an internet connection. (37) Months later, he was evicted." (38) The forum creator's face went pale and looked at his notes. (39) He wrote down the wrong parable. (40) He then quickly added to the parable, "Then that person was bailed out of debtors prison by his fellow posters, got married, and had a big family full of posters." (41) The people of the village applauded, for they really liked the story. (42) They all then gave all they had for a decent internet connection. (43) All of them got evicted and did not get married.
Chapter 14
(1) In the beginning, there was the internet. (2) This was a rather premature development, since the computer had not been invented yet. (3) After years of darkness on the internet, the first network was created. (4) There was light. (5) Then the people on each computer started charging each other for services. (6) This was not good, and that is why it costs money to be online today. (7) When the people of the village heard this, they moaned.
(
In the previous chapter the author of Philbonians thoughtlessly left the people of the village in jail. (9) The author forgot about those people and they all rotted and died in prison. (10) Then the author wrote into existance new people of the village. (11) Thus began the second village. (12) The people of the second village rejoiced. (13) Then they realized that they had no government. (14) For two years, anarachy reigned in the second village.
(15) There was a spider and a mosquito. (16) The mosquito bit the spider. (17) The spider bit the mosquito. (18) The moral of this story is not to be either a mosquito or a spider.
(19) There once was a little girl. (20) She found a baby tiger and brought it home. (21) The baby tiger and the little girl loved each other and became best friends. (22) In fact, she named the tiger, "Puddles." (23) It was not long until the tiger grew up. (24) It often would make a funny sound when it was hungry. (25) The little girl would giggle when hearing this sound and would give the tiger something to eat. (26) One day, the tiger made the funny sound and the little girl's family was broke. (27) The little girl giggled no more from within the tiger's belly. (28) That little girl could have been alive today if her parents switched to Geico.
(29) There once was a duck. (30) That would say, "Waddle daddle daddle." (31) Then along came a lady duck which would often say "Gaggle faddle faddle." (32) The end of this story is of no consequence to the reader. (32) [This being written while the author ate duck]
(33) There once was a turtle. (34) He was very slow. (35) Then there was a truck. (36) It was very fast. (37) The truck was approach the turtle as the turtle was crossing the road very slowly. (38) The turtle did not get run over. (39) Then the turtle got run over by an SUV. (40) To this date, this is the only solid evidence than SUVs are bad for the environment.
(41) There once were two dolphins. (42) They were being hunted by little green men for sport. (43) Rays would come from the flying saucers and boil the water. (44) The dolphins always managed to escape the vicinity in time. (45) Then the flying saucer crashed in the ocean. (46) The dolphins rejoiced and made strange sounds of glee. (47) It was later discovered that the alien flying the craft went into paralysis shortly after seeing his cell phone bill.
