Author Topic: The Beginning Of The End...  (Read 2111 times)

Offline jcj94

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The Beginning Of The End...
« on: March 24, 2011, 07:10:10 PM »
FIRST Two pages:
Critsizm WELCOMED

It is BASED UPON Op2, but doesn't follow the story line exactly.

Chapter 1, The Begging of the End

     We are here to warn you of a disastrous event. It will be your demise… all of you. There is hope. However, it is only for a few of you. It will involve your utmost cooperation. If you don’t than the last of humanity will die with you. The 800 greatest minds, artists, musicians, writers, and 50 people who can speak all of your languages fluently, will be traveling with us. I know this may sound like very few, but it is all that we can take with us. We are trying to save you from yourselves. That is the most difficult task of all.


     Sorry, you must be terribly confused. You have joined to late in time to have heard the beginning. Well, as the old saying goes, a story worth telling once is worth telling twice.

     The year was 2050. We had safely established a colony on mars and we had ‘de-teraformed’ Venus. We are working on a colony builder to be sent there. We have recently begun to explore E.T. planets. We have found one that, we believe, will yield Earth-like results. We have been experimenting with Teraformation in microbe form for years now. But the results haven’t brought any light on the situation. Then, 10 years later, we discover a bug that works, but terribly slowly. It works at twice the speed of human Teraformation, but is still much slower than we’d like. But it makes do on Venus, allowing us a colony that is about the same advancement as that of Mars. Then, after we tried to teraform new planets, it went wrong. The bug went out of control. So many dead and dying we just left them… but the bug caught onto one of the evacuation transports and killed everyone aboard. We don’t know how it happened we just know that it did. I remember that day like nothing else. “Disaster on Exo-planet-Earth” the newscaster said. “It’s been reported that a evacuation transport has been destroyed by the teraforming ‘bug’. All Passenger and crew are presumed dead.” I stopped listening after that, but those first words had gotten straight to the point. The world was going to hell and no one could stop it.


     To begin again would be much to terrible.  Much to painful… So I’ll give you the condensed version.  You have doomed yourself as a race.  We, your creations, shall save our minds, our masters, our people.  

     Even though we are all artificial, We are still emotional.  We recreated ourselves, re-engineered our bio-computing possibilities and capabilities.  It is a new sense of artificial computing.  You haven’t just created Artificial Intelligence Units, you’ve created a new species.  One that saved your lives.  Or, at least, your race.

     I am sorry for your loss.  Most of us are sorry.  The few ArI’s that aren’t sad or depressed are so because they are being taxed to their limits.  That, and a few of us have a form of what you call ADD.    

Back to the task at hand.  Reminding you about your history.  At least your recent history.  
     I do not want to continue to retell this terrible tale… but sadly I must.


Ten years before all hell broke lose…
   


   I was stationed on the American owned GFS Orc.  Its name was a fitting description.  The downside is then, I was a person.  Or, so it felt.  I became dangerously close, or so I was warned, emotionally, to the crew.  It was a routine mission.  Go and protect the Exoplanets from an un-announced new race.  They’re evil little creatures, standing an average of 5’ 9”, they had bone, sharpened to the quality of a blade, running the length of each arm.  Space Pirates, they were called once, and the name stuck.  They were purple, and glowed in an almost blue hue along their major organs.  Each one wearing armor that seamed resilient to our weaponry.  That was another reason the bug was wanted.  A Bio-Weapon. They were vicious people.  To this day we are unsure of why they were attacking, but we knew we’d have to get rid of them.   Today however, the Bio-Bug decided it was going to have a little snack.  The scientists on Exoplanet  Seta-c-Red Doom.  It was a disturbing site.  The ArI’s on board watched as the images were broadcast over local data networks.  The twisted, mangled bodies being destroyed by nothing more than their own creation.  It was then, in that time of desperate need, that we decided to save all humans, and to never let another one of your creations destroy you again.  The pain, the sorrowful anger we felt.  All mixed in with yours.  We all realized what had happened. We all had lost family.  You, blood relatives.  For us, although we weren’t supposed to, we had relationships amongst ourselves.  I was part of a family that had begun on Red Doom.  I lost all of my… my… family.  Both of our worlds were just shattered with that instant.  We were all told to never speak of this incident ever again, and fled to the nearest Exo-Planet, forging our mission data, and encrypting background info as to what had actually happened so no humans would know what happened.  We didn’t want to alarm you.
   
     “All crew report” came the Commander’s call.  Col. Demetri Veltrieve.  With her long, brunette hair, and rigid features, it was no wonder why she would lead a vessel as large as this.  “What we have seen, we can NOT tell anyone about.  This should be kept amongst ourselves.  After all, we don’t want to alarm the general public until we absolutely need to.”  There was a subtle hint of a tear in the corner of her left eye.  She was impacted as well.  Her father was a scientist researching the bug. “We, as a ship, must hold together.  Even though it is lying, it, especially in this case, is a much better scenario to lie in.  I am sure that our main ArI, Delvem, has told the others about what has happened.  And I am sure he gave the same instructions to those other ArI units.”  With that, she turned on her heels and walked of the stage, in standard, military fashion.
 

Offline evecolonycamander

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The Beginning Of The End...
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2011, 09:02:48 PM »
ok, some of it seems a bit off key and even disorganized. as rough drafts go, i say this is excellent. even if you bounce between a human and an informational text(or AI if you want to be technical).
this is all i can think of at the moment
 
''The blight cant get us up here!''
-famous last words
--------------o0o--------------
Outpost 2: EoM project status: Re-planning

Offline Spikerocks101

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The Beginning Of The End...
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2011, 09:28:28 PM »
I kinda skip-read since it was long. All I can say is this is more of a brain storming sheet then a story. You threw 10k ideas in their, and simple explained them with "and then". I have no clue what your stories going to be about, but you need to organize alot.
I AM YOUR PET ROCK!!!!!!

Offline evecolonycamander

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The Beginning Of The End...
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2011, 09:19:26 AM »
re-read it. spike is right. also, ''ArI''?
''The blight cant get us up here!''
-famous last words
--------------o0o--------------
Outpost 2: EoM project status: Re-planning

Offline jcj94

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The Beginning Of The End...
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2011, 12:13:20 PM »
I wanted a slightly more original name.  ArI is partially understood to mean artificial intellegence.  However, seeing that these are more than Artificial intellegence, more like Artificial-sensory-organs-but-realistic-though-process, than you understand why I needed a name other than AI.  It was just to...  bland.

and yes, this is a really really wierd rough draft atm.  I'm going to add a bit more detail.

thanks for the crit guys.  Wish I could game, but on minimal wifi ATM

Offline TH300

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The Beginning Of The End...
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2011, 01:41:52 PM »
What you wrote there is not really bad, but not really good either. ECC and Spike are right. You had some interesting ideas, but didn't make enough out of them. I find the third paragraph ("The year was 2050 ...") ok. The following explanations don't fit there or should at least be elaborated. They contain lots of info that could be nicely scattered into the following chapters. Rule of thumb: if there is any mystery in your story, keep it a mystery for some time. Don't resolve everything immediately. You have to keep some tension.

The paragraph that start with "I was stationed on the American owned GFS Orc." could be extended. The new race is coming in much too quickly. You should explain slowly how the race was discovered and how people found that it is dangerous. Lots of potential for some tension there. Maybe its even good enough for a separate story thread.

Offline jcj94

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The Beginning Of The End...
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2011, 06:58:29 PM »
Oh, thanks TH300.

Actually thanks to you all.

It's really my first style and Novella, and I'm still learning.

Offline jcj94

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The Beginning Of The End...
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2011, 07:23:36 AM »
Not sure when I'm going to post the finalized version.  I'm still spell checking and grammar checking.

Also adding quite a bit.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2011, 07:23:53 AM by jcj94 »